Sexuality.

I had always been masculine, and there was a time in elementary school where I would inform any who made the mistake of my identity that "I'm not a girl, I'm a boy." Any boy who made accusations to the contrary was using fighting words. I never did hit girls. Despite allegedly being one of them, I always knew it was wrong. Real men don't hit women, and I never have. I never had much trouble fitting in with the other boys when I was young. In their groups on the playground, I'd play baseball and rough house along with the best of them. I even played on the boy's basket ball team at my church, since there weren't any other girls there anyway.

It wasn't until about 6th or 7th grade that such behavior became more apparently frowned upon by my peers. Even on the cusp of puberty, I never got in to make up, though I did learn to be more feminine. I always wore my hair long, ofttimes very long. Looking back, I think this was my way of compensating for my lack of natural femininity. Now that I've cut off all my hair, I don't think I could pull off a dress even if I wanted to. I tried once, for some occasion, and decided that I looked more like a drag queen than an actual girl. A poor drag queen at that. I think that I somehow had it easier, being a FTM transgendered youth than MTFs must have it. Being a tomboy is socially acceptable. Being an effeminate boy raises far more eyebrows. I tip my hat off to the male to females for this. I always had the luxury of hiding in plain sight. I suppose it must be far more difficult the other way around. Anyway, without a natural tendency towards girlishness, I tended to take my ques from comic books, which caused my manner of dress to be a little slutty. It made sense in my mind. After all, I liked reading comics, and looking at the pretty, busty women there in. Why shouldn't I want to look like one, if I had to be a girl?

I had a few boyfriends growing up (most of them feminine boys to some degree or another) , crushes here and there, though I remember back even before I could really understand it, taking note of pretty girls. It wasn't until my senior year of highschool that I actually had my first (and to date only) girlfriend. It was a good relationship for the most part, and I did feel more natural in that role than I have in most of my boy-girl relationships. Still, something wasn't quite right. My girlfriend was a lesbian, and was relating to me as a woman. Though I didn't understand it at the time, the reality was that this manner of relationship was just as ill fitting as any other I'd had. We broke up when I left for college, and I haven't really seen her since.

During college, I had a very serious relationship with my best friend's roommate. He was male, of small build, a little shorter than I, and far leaner, and held a Johnny Depp kind of prettiness. He was another rather feminine minded male, content to be the cook/cleaner type while I pursued education that would lead to a career. He was my first genuinely intimate relationship, and taught me much about physical love, though the relationship never became fully sexual. I guarded my chastity well through those years. He broke up with me after several months, and I was rather distraught at the time. I think perhaps, he was my first true love. I was very fond of him, and helped meet both my masculine and my intimacy needs a a way that none had managed at the time.

Though I was still very fond of girls, flirting with them in teasing sort of ways, I never attempted another lesbian relationship after the one. I think that finding it so unfulfilling left me with he assumption that I'd been barking up the wrong tree. I eventually met and married my current husband. Though tall and masculine in stature, he was by far the most female-minded man I've ever dated. Where I didn't care to talk about things, he wanted to discuss feelings and our relationship. He liked cooking and decorating and shopping, a number of things that weren't typically masculine in nature. We shared a love of geekdom- comics, video games, fantasy literature and games. We became fast friends, fitting so well in fact, I figured we'd at least be able to get along for the rest of our lives. After knowing one another for two months, we eloped.

The first year was fine, he'd deployed to Iraq, while I furthered my education. He came home, we had some time together before he left for Korea for another year. Things soured bitterly during that deployment, as arguments began to spike from what I felt to be attacks on issues very central to my core of existence. Religion seemed to be a favorite subject of fights. This began to crack at the foundation of our relationship- those cracks never did heal, and have now left us standing on opposite sides of a great gulf. Divorce seems to be on the horizon for us now, heightened even more so by my realization and coming to terms with my transexuality.

I say all this to give you some background on much of the sexual confusion that has been much a theme in my young adult life. After coming to the conclusion that I am neither a heterosexual woman, nor a lesbian, I have finally come to he realization that I am a heterosexual man. Of course the sexual confusion is no basis for determining one's transexuality- rather it's a facet of a bigger picture. There are many aspects of my masculinity that make me man, sexuality being just one of those.

One should not be confused however, into making the assumption that a transgendered person will be heterosexual once. Some FTMs are perfectly attracted to males, and will seek out a homosexual male/male relationship after transitioning. Being trans has far more to do with one's identity and sense of self than it does with sexuality alone. However, if you are trying to discern, it might be something to consider. The first and most important step in the process of transitioning, is becoming self-aware, which can be the most time consuming step. But it's worth it. Once you start talking with a therapist, and coming out to your loved ones, you'll be glad for having taken time to truly analyse yourself, so that your sense of self is strong enough to endure the trying journey before you.