Exercise.

The process of seeking out and finding a therapist, going through therapy, networking, finding endocrinologists and surgeons, and saving up the money to make the progression possible can be a time consuming endeavor. It is easy to get frustrated when things aren't going as quickly as you may like. After all, you know how you feel and what you want, and you want to start seeing results asap. Unfortunately, asap isn't usually going to be on your schedule. My advice is to make use of all that eager energy and definitely, definitely start a fitness program.

For an FTM, a weight lifting regimen is a must. Not only is it a great way to take initiative and start making your body more masculine on your own, being in shape is going to make surgeries go far more smoothly for you. Some surgeons won't even operate until certain fitness levels have been reached. The sense of empowerment that comes from strength training is also a great boost to the ego. Already I can lift things heavier than any of my female coworkers, and the chance to tote heavy things for a pretty girl gives an awesome sense of manliness. It doesn't have to be a drastic program. I started out just lifting a few reps while my bathwater filled. While you get out of it what you put into it, anything is better than nothing at all.

Tips:

Forearms: One of the things I have always self conscious about is my forearms. Look at an in shape male's, and his forearms are wide and defined. Mine were skinny, round and soft. A dead give away of femininity. So I acquired some of those little grip things that became popular in the 80's and kept them at my desk at work. I do about 20 reps a day when I first get to work, and sometimes throw in a few extra here and there if I get bored. I recently purchased a set at Dick's Sporting Goods that allows me to adjust the resistance. Every few weeks I add a few turns of tension. Though my arms are still considerably smaller than most men's, I am beginning to see encouraging definition in my forearms.


Upperbody: For my initial weight training program, I started off with a very lazy process. I bought a 10lb set of dumbells and did about 5 reps of various exercises (bicep curls, tricep lifts, upright row etc.) until that became comfortable. Then I upped the reps to 10, then 15, then 20. It only took me about 15 minutes every other morning, and since I didn't want to commit more time than that, once 20 reps became comfortable, I'd simply up the weight about 5 lbs. I'm now up to 20lb dumbells at 10 reps. At the time, I knew that if I tried a 30-60 minute work out routine, I simply wouldn't stay with it. Quick and easy was a necessity, and the results even from that little bit of work have been impressive. As I mentioned, you put in what you get out, so I'm hardly a body builder, but I do have much more definition in my arms now, and seeing the process has encouraged me to put even more efforts into fitness. My spouse has bought me a weight bench for my birthday, which I look forward to making real use of once I'm allowed to open it. If financially able, a weightlifting class or a few visits with a personal trainer are highly recommended. Form is very important to avoid injury and target the muscles properly, so if you've never had formal instruction, it's well worth the investment.

Abs: A tricky area, especially for an XX chromosomed guy. Being biologically female, the body tends to store fat in this area for the support of offspring that might be conceived during child bearing years. As I have no intention of ever carrying a child, I've tried to explain to my body that I've no need for this defense mechanism. Alas, it has yet to listen to me. From what I understand, testosterone will assist in the redistribution of said fat, but one can't bank on it alone. T also tends to increase the appetite (think of any teenage boy you've ever seen eat) and I've seen plenty of you tube trans vids where chunky females transformed into chunky dudes. Personally, that's not what I'd like to see come of my transition.

While I haven't yet gotten the washboard abs I've longed for, I have seen some slow and steady progress, so I'll fill you in as best I can. There are various crunch/yoga/ab devices out there. Personally, I find that free crunches strain my neck and back, so I bit the bullet and bought an ab lounger. It gives me a nice burn in my midsection, and comfortably supports my neck and back, thus avoiding straining it. You can also get an awesome back bendy stretch going on it that just feels good. The downside is that it's kind of clunky, and doesn't exactly fold up, so you're left with a big honking ab lounger where ever you set it up. At around $80, it's also kind of pricey. It comes with a workout vid which I have yet to actually watch. I've been doing the simple front crunch, and have just recently started adding in some side work. I've noticed some definition forming in my waist, and when I poke (getting past the pudge) there really is a significant increase of firmness. I'm fairly convinced that there's some awesome abs hidden underneath that gut somewhere, if I can only melt enough fat to reveal it.

Cardio: Which brings us to cardio. As mentioned, being female means that one naturally stores more fat. You can lift weights all day long, but if it's hidden under a layer of fat, you're never going to see the results you want. And so, you gotta bite the bullet, get out there and huff and puff a bit. Walk, run, bike, swim, do something, anything to get that heart rate up. I personally opt for jogging, because it is the most readily accessible to me. It does great things for the endurance, and once you get past the wheezing of the initial month, it actually does amazing things for the energy level. I started mixing running with walking, because I didn't have the endurance to run very far. If you've very out of shape, you might want to just start with walking. Start off with a mile, or half, or a quater (remember, anything is always better than nothing). Run a brief span, then walk to catch your breath, then run a brief span and walk, etc... Start increasing the intervals of your running, and before you know it, you'll be able to run the entire distance. Then it's time to up the distance (or the intensity even, sprints do great things for the lung capacity). Whatever you do, I recommend starting off small and slow. Something you can stick with. Once that becomes comfortable and it won't be so hard to up the ante.

Diet: If you have access to a dietitian, go! If you're trying to build a more masculine physique, it's a little more complicated than simply eating less and losing weight. You're trying to build muscle, so you've got to eat enough to feed them, but at the same time, you're wanting to lose fat, so you've got to not eat too much. It's all about balance, and a professional can be very helpful in helping you find that. If, like me, you aren''t quite so lucky as to have one readily available, it's up to you to research. The internet, books, trial and error, common sense- use them all to your advantage. Cinnamon buns are splurges, not staples! Protein should become common to your plate, as your body simply has to have it to build new muscle. There are alot of good protein shakes out there that can help you supplement your diet, but be careful. Alot of them are also high in calories, and to your still estrogen producing body, this can mean weight gain. I try to use them similar to the slim-fast plan, only with protein shakes. Shake for breakfast/lunch, fruit or veggie snacks, and a sensible dinner. I'm a fan of Muscle Milk, because it tastes good (I've tried some so nasty I couldn't even drink them, which doesn't do you a lick of good) is fairly reasonably priced (about $15 a tub at Target) and they have a reduced calorie formula which is good if you're trying to drop fat while gaining muscle.

Weigh in: The scale can be very deceiving, because you're gaining muscle, which does weigh more than fat. Calipers are probably the best way for measuring fat loss, but not all of us have those lying around. A good old fashioned measuring tape is a good cheap way to keep track of your body transformation. If you have a digital camera, taking a pic of yourself every couple of weeks is also helpful. That way you can actually see the progress you've made, that can sometimes be missed in daily observation of your gradual changes.

A good fitness program is something proactive you can be doing towards your goal of transitioning, and it doesn't even require you wait for a prescription or letter from a therapist. It offers you a sense of control where you might otherwise feel that everything is out of your hands. It will also give you a good foundation for when you start T/surgery that you'll be undoubtedly grateful for come beach season.

Slow and steady.

I've been at the beach this weekend, which is always a mixed blessing for me. On the one hand, I love the ocean, the feel of it, the smells and tastes of sea air. On the other hand, being at the beach always brings me into sharp awareness of my body, and seeing countless young men with their shirts off, especially when they have a pretty young woman on their arms, fills me with a pang of envy. I wear trunks, a top and often a shirt over it, since I can't get away with topless (and probably wouldn't want to even if it were permitted, with my breasts in the way and all). Still, try to dress as little like a female as I can, so the trunks at least feel right.There are binders available that could probably do a decent job of hiding my breasts, but I find them to be very restricting and have a hard time breathing when I wear them. Makes me feel more like a corseted Victorian lady than a man. I admit though, that the image in the mirror does look more correct, so I do sometimes indulge in it, despite the discomfort.

Any one who can relate to such an imbalance between body and mind can also understand that sense of urgency in getting it corrected as quickly as possible. While this attitude is understandable, it is also unwise, and I advise against letting your hurt get the better of you and rush into foolish mistakes. Transitioning is a process, not a single step. As an FTM, take advantage of the opportunity that time has offered you. Most young boys find themselves thrust into manhood by puberty, without being afforded (or taking the initiative) to truly consider the kind of man they wish to become. You, as a biological female and essential man, have the benefit being forced to truly evaluated yourself. Take time to cultivate those fine qualities of masculinity within you, which drives you to transition in the first place. Chivalry, integrity, honor, bravery, strength... really think about the kind of man you want to be, and study up, meditate, find a mentor or follow any number of paths to start ingraining these qualities into yourself. Even though you may already possess them, they have never been demanded of you the way they will be when the world views and treats you as a man. Finding yourself able to pass physically without having the mental balls to back it up will leave you a very small fish, in a suddenly huge pond. Take advantage of the time it takes to transition, by truly preparing yourself mentally for the change.

The internet is also an invaluable resource on transitioning, and can help you learn about the process, talk to men who have or are transitioning as well. Learn from the mistakes of others, and don't let this carry you into a train wreck. Although gender is an important part of a person's identity, it is not the only part. You are still someone's child/sibling/spouse. You have a career, or school goals, hopes and dreams. Do not lose the good person you are, in the new person you wish to become. Everyone changes over time, and while bringing your body into line with your mind might or might not be viewed as a drastic change, getting so caught up in your gender issues that you lose yourself entirely in them. Some transpersons get so wrapped up in themselves and their own problems, that they become narcissistic, giving no regard to the feelings of friends and loved ones in their process of coming out and changing their bodies. Loved ones are probably going to have a difficult time with your transgendered state. They may feel sad, hurt, guilty or afraid. While you want to try and assure and encourage them, don't write off their feelings. It's natural for them to feel this way, and time will help. Just as you want them to be understanding of your feelings of wanting to be a man/woman, you need to be understanding of their fears and h:urts. It all stems from love and concern for you, so try to keep that in perspective.

Once you've done some evaluating, read up, done some soul searching, the first real step is to find a therapist. I was very fortunate to find one in my area thanks to Dr. Becky's site: http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html Seeking out and talking with a therapist has been a great step for me, and I was so relieved to find one so close to me. I hope the link serves you as well as it has me.

Sexuality.

I had always been masculine, and there was a time in elementary school where I would inform any who made the mistake of my identity that "I'm not a girl, I'm a boy." Any boy who made accusations to the contrary was using fighting words. I never did hit girls. Despite allegedly being one of them, I always knew it was wrong. Real men don't hit women, and I never have. I never had much trouble fitting in with the other boys when I was young. In their groups on the playground, I'd play baseball and rough house along with the best of them. I even played on the boy's basket ball team at my church, since there weren't any other girls there anyway.

It wasn't until about 6th or 7th grade that such behavior became more apparently frowned upon by my peers. Even on the cusp of puberty, I never got in to make up, though I did learn to be more feminine. I always wore my hair long, ofttimes very long. Looking back, I think this was my way of compensating for my lack of natural femininity. Now that I've cut off all my hair, I don't think I could pull off a dress even if I wanted to. I tried once, for some occasion, and decided that I looked more like a drag queen than an actual girl. A poor drag queen at that. I think that I somehow had it easier, being a FTM transgendered youth than MTFs must have it. Being a tomboy is socially acceptable. Being an effeminate boy raises far more eyebrows. I tip my hat off to the male to females for this. I always had the luxury of hiding in plain sight. I suppose it must be far more difficult the other way around. Anyway, without a natural tendency towards girlishness, I tended to take my ques from comic books, which caused my manner of dress to be a little slutty. It made sense in my mind. After all, I liked reading comics, and looking at the pretty, busty women there in. Why shouldn't I want to look like one, if I had to be a girl?

I had a few boyfriends growing up (most of them feminine boys to some degree or another) , crushes here and there, though I remember back even before I could really understand it, taking note of pretty girls. It wasn't until my senior year of highschool that I actually had my first (and to date only) girlfriend. It was a good relationship for the most part, and I did feel more natural in that role than I have in most of my boy-girl relationships. Still, something wasn't quite right. My girlfriend was a lesbian, and was relating to me as a woman. Though I didn't understand it at the time, the reality was that this manner of relationship was just as ill fitting as any other I'd had. We broke up when I left for college, and I haven't really seen her since.

During college, I had a very serious relationship with my best friend's roommate. He was male, of small build, a little shorter than I, and far leaner, and held a Johnny Depp kind of prettiness. He was another rather feminine minded male, content to be the cook/cleaner type while I pursued education that would lead to a career. He was my first genuinely intimate relationship, and taught me much about physical love, though the relationship never became fully sexual. I guarded my chastity well through those years. He broke up with me after several months, and I was rather distraught at the time. I think perhaps, he was my first true love. I was very fond of him, and helped meet both my masculine and my intimacy needs a a way that none had managed at the time.

Though I was still very fond of girls, flirting with them in teasing sort of ways, I never attempted another lesbian relationship after the one. I think that finding it so unfulfilling left me with he assumption that I'd been barking up the wrong tree. I eventually met and married my current husband. Though tall and masculine in stature, he was by far the most female-minded man I've ever dated. Where I didn't care to talk about things, he wanted to discuss feelings and our relationship. He liked cooking and decorating and shopping, a number of things that weren't typically masculine in nature. We shared a love of geekdom- comics, video games, fantasy literature and games. We became fast friends, fitting so well in fact, I figured we'd at least be able to get along for the rest of our lives. After knowing one another for two months, we eloped.

The first year was fine, he'd deployed to Iraq, while I furthered my education. He came home, we had some time together before he left for Korea for another year. Things soured bitterly during that deployment, as arguments began to spike from what I felt to be attacks on issues very central to my core of existence. Religion seemed to be a favorite subject of fights. This began to crack at the foundation of our relationship- those cracks never did heal, and have now left us standing on opposite sides of a great gulf. Divorce seems to be on the horizon for us now, heightened even more so by my realization and coming to terms with my transexuality.

I say all this to give you some background on much of the sexual confusion that has been much a theme in my young adult life. After coming to the conclusion that I am neither a heterosexual woman, nor a lesbian, I have finally come to he realization that I am a heterosexual man. Of course the sexual confusion is no basis for determining one's transexuality- rather it's a facet of a bigger picture. There are many aspects of my masculinity that make me man, sexuality being just one of those.

One should not be confused however, into making the assumption that a transgendered person will be heterosexual once. Some FTMs are perfectly attracted to males, and will seek out a homosexual male/male relationship after transitioning. Being trans has far more to do with one's identity and sense of self than it does with sexuality alone. However, if you are trying to discern, it might be something to consider. The first and most important step in the process of transitioning, is becoming self-aware, which can be the most time consuming step. But it's worth it. Once you start talking with a therapist, and coming out to your loved ones, you'll be glad for having taken time to truly analyse yourself, so that your sense of self is strong enough to endure the trying journey before you.

The first step.

I'm not typically the type to be into bloging, but after a brief google blog search brought me to a very, very unfruitful find of the kind of information I was looking for, it seemed to me, that if I couldn't find anyone to listen to, that it was time to talk. Perhaps my writings can be of some succor to those who are just beginning the search for their own journey. Of course anyone beginning a time of change may find essays on the topic of journeying helpful, my own voyage has a very specific nature.

My name is Kelvin, or just Kel for short. I'm 25, work in customer service, and have a degree in German that it's very unlikely I'll ever use in any practical sense. I'm a pretty average guy, I like hockey and baseball, Hooters and steakhouses, swords and martial arts. I'm a bit of a charmer, chicks tend to like me well enough. I have a dog, a cat, a brother and sister and both parents still living. The only thing that makes me any different from most guys, is that I wasn't born a guy. I have breasts and lack a dick. Transsexual is the most commonly used term. Dragking sometimes. Unfortunately, the search that I did for blogs about transsexualism, brought up mostly porno sites. Which is dandy if you're looking for porno. But rather frustrating if you're looking for information, experiences and so forth. And so, I write.

I am entirely pre-SRS (sex reassignment surgery), and have taken no hormones or any such thing to form my body into something more masculine. Because of my short hair, or manner of dress, I get the occasional and greatly appreciated "sir" from time to time, but for the most part, looking at me or hearing my voice tends to reveal that I am in fact female. So we are very much at the beginning of my journey, which I am inviting you to take with me. Hopefully the documentation of this path will be of help to someone out there, and perhaps even a little therapeutic for me.

I'm including a picture of myself here, something I tend to avoid in the virtual world, with the hopes that seeing my progression might be of some assistance to those trying to sort out their own path. So here, as macho as I can currently muster, is me:
Note the lack of smile. One tends to try and look serious when trying to look manly, because of the perceived need to over compensate. A frown enables one to clench the jaw, giving it a more squared off appearance. I am confident that time, with the effects of weight lifting, and someday testosterone, will free me of the need to do so.