Progress.

Wow time flies. It's been nearly a year since I've posted anything, and that really surprises me for some reason. It just really hasn't felt like it's been that long. To update, I have top surgery scheduled less than a month away, and am both nervous and excited about it. It's been a long, difficult journey up to this point, so it feels really good to see a real, physical step about to be taken. I'll be traveling out of state, so sadly, hotel bills are really mounting the expenses. I have my last preop physical this week, and once that is cleared, I should be good to go, and will go ahead and book us a place to stay. A very awesome, very trust worthy friend is going to be traveling with me to take care of me while I'm all cut up and wussy (and knowing me, I'll be a total baby like when I'm sick), so that's a great relief. I just hope she can cook...

Anyway, post-op, I'll give a plug (provided the work is good, or a warning if bad) to the surgeon, though I'm not going to give info on where I'm going to be just yet. Prayers would be most welcome.

Speaking of prayers, I've really made some real progress back towards my own spiritual walk. I am, in fact, a Christian, for those of you who don't know, and have for a good deal of my past, been a passionate one at that. Though it had been difficult for a time, due to some bad experiences with my former church (which believe it or not didn't even have anything to do with the Trans issue) I have at last gotten my head on straight, and returned to my first Love. I was nervous to at first, afraid that all the progress I'd made in finding myself through therapy and discernment would conflict with my faith, and I'd have to start all over again trying to figure out who I am. I am both happy and relieved to say however, that such couldn't be farther from the truth. Since returning to a life of prayer and Bible study, I find myself filled with a greater peace than ever, not just in general, but even about my upcoming surgery as well. It's amazing how, if you'll just let go of clinging to your fears and what you think up need, God will catch you, and give you something even better. That's what I've found now, and I couldn't be happier for it. Now I can say without doubt, that when I go down for this surgery, I won't be going alone. I thank God that He loves me as He does, and even that He saw fit to make me as I am, and to do so in a time where the medical technology is as advanced as it is. I have been so blessed with the generosity of people like my therapist and doctor and friends. I can't imagine why I ever though He left me in the first place.

On the family front, things are about the same. No real development has been made there, as most of them simply don't want to talk about it. For their own hearts and healing, I can only pray. As for me, I feel that my own personal prayers have already been answered, thank God.

Family and Frustration.

It's always going to be difficult,when you have a family that cannot support your emotional needs during the transgendered process. Whether it be for religious reasons or their own inability to cope emotionally, sometimes the people you need the most simply don't rise to the challenge. I've been feeling that way alot lately, probably compounded by the holidays. I'm a bottler, always have been. When things bother me, I tend to suppress and suppress until it explodes for and resets the cycle. So I had a little break down about a week ago, that involved much embarrassing and unmanly crying. Fortunately I work in a cubicle with high walls, because I literally cried the entire day. A few of the ladies I work with popped in to check on me, and I was able to convince them that I was working through a migraine, which accounted for the swelling and eye leaking. So I sucked it up and just kind of cried quietly througout the day and broke down into sobs when I got in the car. I got home and cried some more, and finally mom found me I cried some more with her. We talked a little bit, about how alone I'd been feeling and such, and she assured me that I could always talk to her (something I'd been refraining from because I know she doens't like to hear about it). But when I mentioned the next day that I'd like for her to come to a therapy session with me sometime, she expressed her disinterest, saying it would make her feel defensive and that I shouldn't try to change her. I can understand that she doesn't understand, but when it seems that she wants to make no effort to even try and understand, that really hurts.

For the most part, it feels like the entire family is just kind of ignoring that part of me. There's a distance from my mother and sister, the two people I'd been closest to for the majority of my life. They're still around, but it's like they're not really there. When I first came out, it was my sister who most expressed a fear of us losing the bond that we'd always shared, and it seems now that that fear is creating more of the rift than anything. I'm not sure what to do about it, because I always try to be patient and supportive of the family's needs. Sometimes it feels like I've been being strong for them forever, with no one to really return the favor.

I'm starting to feel more frustrated and isolated, but I suppose that's all part of the process. I tend to think of transitoining in terms of growing up all over again. Right now I'm like a little boy longing to grow up. With no hormones or real steps towards that maturation, I'm feeling alot of the prepubescent angst and longing that many boys at that stage in life feel. I wish that insight made me feel better about it, but it still kind of sucks. I find that surfing the net helps some, giving me things to look forward to concerning my "growing up" as a man. For now, it's all about coping as best one can, while I save the money and do the soul searching that will prepare me for that first physical step once the time is right.

Crossroads.

So, alot going on in life now. After about 5 years of marriage, my mate and I have decided to separate. Gender issues aside, we're just not compatible, and fail to bring out the best in one another. It's been an amiable process so far, as I start moving things out into my parent's place. Since I'm downsizing to one room there, he's keeping most of the furniture and stuff, and has been very agreeable to letting me have the bits I've requested. There's been no ill mudslinging or bitter words thusfar, for which I am grateful. I have high hopes that the friendship will prevail through the divorce.

Meanwhile, as I'm setting up my new living space with my parents the room is looking very reminiscent to dorm-life, as I prepare to start back for my second bachelors degree. Going for a history major/art history minor, with the intention of being Indiana Jones when I grow up. I'm quite excited about this, because I absolutely love being in school. I love studying and even writing papers and stuff. A proud nerd, I am. And hope to be a professor someday, to continue in the world of academia. So that's something to look forward to. I'm only taking 2 classes this term, because I'm still working full time, and those were the only ones I could get that fit in with my work schedule. Right now, the plan is to work and save up for tuition, surgery and such. After a few semesters, I'll have to find a new job, something that'll work with my schedule and hopefully let me start attending school full time.

Moving back in with the 'rents has me a little nervous. We get along fine and all, but Mom's been having a hard time with the whole trans issue, and that has me a little nervous. On the one hand, I see it as an opportunity, and hope that the increase of time together will help set some of those fears at ease. On the other hand, I have fears of having to defend myself in constant morality debates. My mother has religious beliefs that make this difficult for her, while my faith doesn't really have that conflict. I know she means well, and I really don't think she'll brow beat me, but when trying to discern something like this, being put on the defensive doesn't really help.

At the last meeting with my therapist, we both agreed that it would be about a year or so before I was ready to pursue physical changes (ie hormones/surgery). While I sometimes feel a bit antsy to get things started, I agree that this is best, both from a financial standpoint, and from an emotional one. The year will be valuable for me to spend with my family, getting them and myself ready for the challenges that lie ahead, as well as having myself financially prepared for the added expense. So right now, it's mostly prep work. But don't discount the prep work. The journey, after all, is as important as they destination.

Drag King.

Ah, yes, the macho brother of the drag queen. Though some transmen might consider the art of drag a more feminine game (after all, we want to BE men, not play dressup as though we were one) I encourage you to keep an open mind about it. After all, learning how to costume oneself as male-looking is a great way to test the wings, get a more genuine idea of the expectations and responsibilities placed on a male in society. I find myself even more conscious of opening doors for ladies when out in drag, and my interactions with waiters and clerks tend to take a somewhat different tone as well. Anyway, it's a great way to try on the mask before making the full commitment that hormones and surgery entail. Keep in mind that some individuals may discover throughout the course of their therapy that they are in fact not trans at all, but something entirely different. And some transpersons may decide that physical augmentation is either unnecessary , or just not right for their lives. Taking things slowly, and trying one step at a time will prevent many regrets in the future.

And so without further ado, here's me, all dragged up:
For me, one of the key elements of getting "sirred" on a regular basis, was the addition of facial hair. Before that, I'd perhaps get calls "sir" once in a while, quickly followed up by an apologetic and embarrassed "ma'am!" Once I began incorporating facial hair into my cosmetics, I was being addressed as a male with confidence.

The most important element of dressing in drag is doing so safely. I strongly advise against presenting in drag in public alone for your first few times. You may still be perfecting the makeup, or your voice, or have tells that label you as not "quite right". In case you should somehow be outed, the last thing you want to be is alone. Take friends, preferably male friends for an ftm (female friends for an mtf) . The main reason I advise this is the bathroom situation. Were I to go out in drag with a group of females, there's liable to be far off while I'm getting my ass kicked in the bathroom should situations out me. That is, I hope, a long shot, but it's a base you certainly want covered should it arise. More on the bathroom sitch later.

For now, how to get the facial hair- what I have found works delightfully well can be found at most theatrical stores, perhaps even less professional costume facility. The three things you'll need are crepe hair, which is typically sold in footlong braids, spirit gum, a colorless, thin but very strong adhesive, and spirit gum remover, because after your fun, no amount of scrubbing will get that gunk off your face. I find stubble to be more believable to accomplish than full out beardage, and it would likely prove alot cheaper. For starters, I take some eyeshadow and a powder brush and create a light outline of shading wherever I want my beard to be. This gives me an outline for my work, and keeps me from overdoing it once I get going. Also, experimenting with the shading for different looks is alot easier than with the actual stubble. Using a small pair of scissors, I nip the tips repeatedly, gathering the tiny clippings onto a white piece of paper (makes visibility easier). Once I have enough for whatever area I'm covering, I'll brush on the spirit gum in small swatches at a time to prevent it from drying out before I'm ready. Then I swipe my finger across the paper, gathering stubble on my finger before dabbing it into the gummy glue on my face. Try to keep the stubble from getting clumped up on the paper, as that'll make for some freaky looking facial hair. Once I have it all set, I like to get a second opinion, because a fresh set of eyes can be very useful in detecting holes or clumps I might have missed. Once you're satisfied that it's uniform, and natural looking, you're ready to go. Practice makes perfect, and I find that I get a little better with it every time. These pics are only my second time using it, so I hope to have better results to show on down the road.

So, you're all dressed up, now where to go? Gay clubs and bars obviously present the safest venues, since they tend to be more open to deviations in gender and sexuality. Be careful even there though, as some gays who are downright intolerant of "trannies". For my first outing, I went with my spouse (who shocked me by being remarkably open with it) to a German restaurant in town. I chose the location for two main reasons: it's a dark ambiance, which made me feel more comfortable in my ability to blend in, and the bathrooms were single toilet facilities. No stalls, and not more than one person in the bathroom at a time. That avoids alot of the apprehension of the bathroom scene, and enabled me to relax and enjoy passing without the stress of being outed. The meal went well, though I think the waiter perceived my spouse and I to be gay.

For the next outing, we went to Olive Garden during the day time. Though my facial hair was better set up, I'm not entirely sure that I passed as well, simply because I felt like several people were staring at me. There was no real event to speak of though, so I'll peg it a reasonable success, since it was definitely a learning experience. I used a stalled bathroom there without hitch, though I think the bathroom situation is easier for FTM's than MTF's. Guy's really don't pay attention to one another in the restroom, just do their business and leave. So as I casually walked in, entered the stall, even sat down to pee, all I had to do was casually exit the stall, wash my hands and walk right back out. The men's room isn't the social gathering place that the women's room is, and I was thankful for that. In the off chance of some wise crack, a simple gruff, "Motorcycle/hunting/machinery etc, accident." should suffice, or if you're feeling really ballsy, and don't mind taking a gamble on getting your face pounded, one might raise the questions as to why he's so preoccupied with your dick anyway. While I might say that, I wouldn't advise it to those wiser than I.

So what if you get outed? Say something startles you and you scream or for whatever reason someone flings the door open on your closet, what to do? My advice, which may or may not be the best way to do, is to jump out of the closet before you can be dragged out. "Hiding in plain sight," is how my mentor says, as she claims I do it all the time. If someone were to call me out, I'd stop trying to sound male, laugh it off and explain, "I'm trying out for the part of Hamlet. Tell me, how believable was I to you as a male?" That makes you an eccentric theater person, rather than someone who's bending the rod of gender standardization to a point that the populace at large is unprepared to deal with. Not to mention, it might land me some good criticism on how to more believably pass in the future. It's yet to happen to me, but I think it's always wise to have a backup plan, something that can put people's minds at ease. Most people don't like having their "facts" threatened, and yes, to most people, gender is a matter of physical fact.

The one tell I haven't been able to fully compensate for yet is my voice. My spouse says I sound like I have a cold. Since I work in a call center, I can sometimes practice my range of voice at work, since the individuals on the line neither see me, nor will ever really come into contact with me again. I've never gotten called "sir" over the phone, which tells me that my voice doesn't ever really pass for anything other than androgynous, but I do tend to get "ma'am'ed" less when deepening my tone. I have hopes that a voice coach can help me further this, but have yet to find one out. For now though, with proper company for backup, the drag thing it working out decently. If you plan to try it, please, just more than anything, be safe.

It surprised even me.

I was getting my haircut a few days ago along with my spouse, and while he was in the barber's chair, I overheard his stylist (who'd cut my hair earlier) mention that "her girlfriend was into the whole drag king thing". To understand the depth of my shock, you have to understand that we live in po-dunk, bible-belt USA. Even the small percentile of people who'd be into such a thing here, I wouldn't expect to so openly talk about it. The idea that I'd run into such an opportunity never occurred to me. And since it was such a rare opportunity, I went back to the salon the next day and left a note for her, explaining my situation and my interest in drag.

Lo and behold, she called me back. And last night, I went to a drag show at a gay bar. Her girlfriend wasn't the only drag king there, and I was able to see a few ladies who were very convincingly able to pass as guys. This gave me alot of hope for passing myself, even without the use of hormones. Also, I learned that my town actually has a gay bar. Again, who knew? So now, I have a very sweet-stylist lady and drag king willing to show me the ropes of creating facial hair, and a place where I'll feel safe with my first few attempts at full fledged drag. All in all, it was a really good night.

I wore a binder, which is like a man-girdle for transmen. Basically, it's a contraption that conceals one's breasts better than ace bandages, with better security, though it can be rather uncomfortable. Even with that minimal effort, I had gay dude's checking me out. While I'm not really into gay guys (though there was one very hot drag queen there) it suggested to me that I was at least passing with some people, and with just a little more effort, I should be able to do so full time.

My next goal, I think, is to find a voice coach. That tends to be what gives me away, if my breasts are bound, and with a bit of work, I think I could make it at least more androgynous. It is my hope, that for my real life test, I might do so without the aid or hormones, which can have lasting effects. While I feel confident in my path, I'd hate to have my voice drop and start actually growing facial hair only to find that life as a man wasn't as fulfilling for me as I had imagined. That is the purpose of the test after all. It's not an obstacle put in place just to get you frustrated on your path to transition. Honest, it's for your benefit, and it is a GOOD thing. Make wise use of it, and really, continue to take things slow.

What's it like?

Friends and loved ones who are close to, but still outside of the mentality of a transexual often have a difficult time understanding what it is like to be in those shoes. Assurance of one's gender is something that the average person takes for granted. People have identity issues all the time, women have to sort out their roles as daughters, mothers, lovers and professionals, men as professionals, father, lovers and sons etc. Is one an artist or a philosopher, is one logical, hotheaded or smooth-talking? Such are the kinds of identifying adjectives that everyone has to wonder about and sort out in their lives. Few people deal with the internal conflict of feeling in ones essence to be a man, yet looking in the mirror and seeing a female staring back. There are numerous emotions caused by such a discrepancy, but for me, the most noticeable was total frustration.

I think the worst part for me, was being treated like a girl. Any guy can tell you how insulting it would be coddled like a girl. I fought against it, in every way possible, but despite the gains I made for myself, the fact was that the most people would ever see me as was a tough girl. No matter how much I proved my manliness, I'd never be viewed as a man, and thats a tough place to be in. It makes you want to outright shake a person until they get it. Still, it's not their fault that they can't see me as a real man. They have no way of knowing what's in my soul. They have to go by what they see, and the physical seems to tell lies. To someone who's never experienced it, it must sound kind of crazy. To those of us who've been there, it's all to real.

Everything seems backwards. Dating, socializing, dressing, even playing sports seems skewed when you're world isn't meshing up as it should. As a youth, I had the opportunity to play baseball- real baseball, not softball, on a boy's team. The coach had seen me play and actually wanted me on his team. I was ecstatic, because it was a dream of mine. My parent's wouldn't let me. Because I was a girl. Now I'm not saying that they made the wrong decision. At that age, the other boys were starting to outweigh me, and I very well might have gotten very injured in that league. The fact was, though I couldn't see it at the time, was that I had a smaller, weaker body than they did. I don't tell the story to imply that they should have acted differently than they did, but to relay the frustration I felt for not being allowed to play with the "other" boys.

If you have a loved one in your life who is trans, they're probably dealing with alot of confusion and frustration, and loneliness. In fact, if you have a loved one in your life who is trans, YOU'RE probably dealing with some confusion and loneliness yourself. It is a trying time all around, but remember, just because you can't understand something, doesn't mean you can't love it (or him/her). You might need some time to mourn the loss of your son/daughter/brother/sister, but there is also much to be gained as your loved one become more comfortable in their own skin, and is able to blossom in confidence and self-comfort. Try to be there for them, and as they love you, they will surely return the favor.

Rant.

Alright, heard something that really pissed me off this morning, and as it was actually trans related, I've decided to vent.

While listening to the Go Fish Radio Network this morning on my way to work (YOU SUCK) I heart a story that just really, really got me lit. And the story is:

Bob (or whatever the dude's real name is) is divorced from Julia, an FTM who is now Julio. Julio is still collecting alimony, which s/he is using to help pay for the expenses of her sex change (granted, I can sympathize with the fact that it is costly). Apparently the first clue Bob had to his wife's sex change was while they were still married, and Julia began taking injections "for her headaches". Then her voice started to deepen, and she began to grow facial hair- still not seeing fit to tell her husband anything.

And that, kiddies, makes me livid. It offends me, more than anything, as a transman. If you are living with someone, sleeping with someone, being supported by their income, that person has a right a God given right to know who and what they're giving their love/money/energy to. When and how you choose to come out is entirely your decision, and should be acted upon with discretion. But make no mistake, if you are still married or in a serious relationship with someone, that person has a right to know BEFORE you take your very first shot of testosterone. What if they leave? Then that's a sacrifice you have to decide if it's worth.

Actions have consequences, and if you think you're going to be able to transition without that harsh reality, you are setting yourself up to greatly disappointed. This road is not an easy one. The journey is fraught with pain and disappointment, lost friends and emotional roller coasters. And yes, financial hardship. If you've grown up with gender issues, you probably already understand that there is a world of hurt involved. That hurt, however, does not entitle you to screw other people over in order to get what you want. Just like you have the right to pursue your own identity and transition into your preferred gender role, your significant other has the right to make an informed decision on whether or not to stay with you and support your financially.

In the meantime, deception and sponging off another human being isn't the answer. It's unmanly. Get a job. Find a roommate. Do what you have to do to minimize your expenses and up your savings, but do so honestly. Become a self made man. And most importantly, before you start trying to look like a man, try learning to be one.

And to the Julio's out there, if you're going to spend all that money to get a pair, at least try to act like you got a pair.