Family and Frustration.

It's always going to be difficult,when you have a family that cannot support your emotional needs during the transgendered process. Whether it be for religious reasons or their own inability to cope emotionally, sometimes the people you need the most simply don't rise to the challenge. I've been feeling that way alot lately, probably compounded by the holidays. I'm a bottler, always have been. When things bother me, I tend to suppress and suppress until it explodes for and resets the cycle. So I had a little break down about a week ago, that involved much embarrassing and unmanly crying. Fortunately I work in a cubicle with high walls, because I literally cried the entire day. A few of the ladies I work with popped in to check on me, and I was able to convince them that I was working through a migraine, which accounted for the swelling and eye leaking. So I sucked it up and just kind of cried quietly througout the day and broke down into sobs when I got in the car. I got home and cried some more, and finally mom found me I cried some more with her. We talked a little bit, about how alone I'd been feeling and such, and she assured me that I could always talk to her (something I'd been refraining from because I know she doens't like to hear about it). But when I mentioned the next day that I'd like for her to come to a therapy session with me sometime, she expressed her disinterest, saying it would make her feel defensive and that I shouldn't try to change her. I can understand that she doesn't understand, but when it seems that she wants to make no effort to even try and understand, that really hurts.

For the most part, it feels like the entire family is just kind of ignoring that part of me. There's a distance from my mother and sister, the two people I'd been closest to for the majority of my life. They're still around, but it's like they're not really there. When I first came out, it was my sister who most expressed a fear of us losing the bond that we'd always shared, and it seems now that that fear is creating more of the rift than anything. I'm not sure what to do about it, because I always try to be patient and supportive of the family's needs. Sometimes it feels like I've been being strong for them forever, with no one to really return the favor.

I'm starting to feel more frustrated and isolated, but I suppose that's all part of the process. I tend to think of transitoining in terms of growing up all over again. Right now I'm like a little boy longing to grow up. With no hormones or real steps towards that maturation, I'm feeling alot of the prepubescent angst and longing that many boys at that stage in life feel. I wish that insight made me feel better about it, but it still kind of sucks. I find that surfing the net helps some, giving me things to look forward to concerning my "growing up" as a man. For now, it's all about coping as best one can, while I save the money and do the soul searching that will prepare me for that first physical step once the time is right.